why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize