i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
