Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
