So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Houston, we have a blender
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
