i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize