i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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