You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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