I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
