The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
