all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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