I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Randomize
