Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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