i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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