I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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