She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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