I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
