how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
