Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
