its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
