six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
