Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize