I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
