If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
