the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
