i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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