my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
