Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
