Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
