I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Pants are for mortals
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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