Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
