Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
