Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
