If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
