my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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