It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize