Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
