I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
