I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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