I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize