oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
