proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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