Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
