i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
