I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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