I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just invented taco cereal.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
