The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
