so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize