I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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