I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
