I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
