You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
