Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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