Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
