i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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