I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
