You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
