Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
