So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize