I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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