Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
