no, he came in my armpit
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
