we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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