my phone needs a breathalizer
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize