the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
NoShamevember. You game?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
