Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
