I think I died a long time ago.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
