This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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