They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
