I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
