ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
