this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
