grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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