Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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