woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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