my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
