do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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